Paying retail? Apply for this card!

I, Mimi Broihier, hereby release Value Safe Grocery Stores, Inc., from any and all claims and demands I might inadvertently make as they may pertain to in-store purchases and do hereby agree to the following conditions in order to receive a Value Safe Value Savings Card:

  • While shopping, I pledge to NOT bother any employees with needless questions such as “Where have you hidden the horseradish?” or if the desired item can be discovered on my own after 20 minutes of circling all 24 Aisles of Values twice. This saves ME money!
  • As a Value Safe customer, I pledge to NOT take time from male Value Safe employees with any questions while they are in the greeting card aisles shamelessly engaging in socially embarrassing conversation with the American Greetings merchandising ladies.
  • As a Value Safe customer I promise to NOT inspect too closely the smeared and bloodied expiration dates stamped on most meat items, rendering them of questionable gastronomic value, NOR am I to ask why all the legible expiration dates are from last week.  This saves ME money!
  • When shopping for Value Safe produce I vow to NOT re-package to my own needs any over-filled bags of $3.99 per pound red grapes merely to suit my own small budgetary requirements. The items are pre-packed to save ME time and money!
  • As a considerate Value Safe shopper, I promise to NOT express verbal shock, annoyance or disgust, NOR exclaim “Oh dear god!” out loud at any prices posted at the fish counter, so as to NOT disturb the pleasant shopping experience of any other Value Safe Shopper.
  • If perchance I venture down the child-infested cookie and cracker aisle when Cheezits are offered at the incredible Value-Safe price of 2 for $4, I vow to NEVER buy just one box. Ditto for Oreos, unless they are manufactured in special holiday colors in which case I vow to buy 2 for $6.
  • When loading my cart with personal paper products, I agree to pay an ass-kicking high price for 4 measly rolls of toilet paper instead of stocking up for a year with the EXTREME VALUE -SAFE SHOPPING TIP of procuring 64 rolls of toilet paper for just $12 dollars. If I want to buy in small quantities I can just send myself to Walgreen’s.
  • When approaching the check-out counter, I agree to NOT sigh with audible disgust at the long lines in order for a REAL LIVE human Value-Safe check-out person to ring me up, and in addition, I vow to NEITHER “tsk-tsk” NOR snort with disdain at the six empty SELF CHECK-OUT lanes being monitored by two Value-Safe employees comparing recent manicures.
  • While waiting at the check-out counter I will not add a package of gum to my purchase without the appropriate smile and guilty head tilt that indicates I am obviously at fault here for making the checker push yet another button and re-total.
  • Once all the items have been scanned and I have swiped/inserted my debit card in the speediest manner possible, I MUST re-deposit it into my wallet within one second of the checker ripping my receipt from the register. If I FAIL to gather my keys and purse from the convenient miniature courtesy shopping counter in this reasonable amount of time I bear all responsibility for nasty glares, impatient shuffling, and out and out shoving aside of my cart and personal items by the bagger and the next Value Safe customer.
  • Finally, when asked if I need help with getting my purchases safely from the store to my car I resolve to ALWAYS REFUSE ASSISTANCE, even if on crutches, or in a hail storm, or when burdened with three screaming children under the age of five.

If the above referenced rules and reasonable expectations for the right to hold a Value Safe Shopper Value Card are NOT adhered to in any agreeable manner, I, Mimi Broihier, grant Value Safe Grocery Stores, Inc. the absolute, god-given corporate right to relieve me of my Value Safe Shopper Value Card, thereby rendering me helpless to pay anything other than the horrifying-but-true original retail prices indicated on all shelf stickers and which are NOT advertised in the Value Safe Shopper flyer which is conveniently mailed to my home each Wednesday.

Signature:  Mimi Broihier

Date: January 1, 2018

This entry was posted in Happiness. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Paying retail? Apply for this card!

  1. Patrick says:

    Really. Too many rules for me to follow.

  2. Jeanne Yarbrough says:

    Interesting! I’m afraid we’re shopping at the same grocery store but mine is Kroger in MS! I really throw them into a tizzy when I produce my recyclable cloth bags and eschew the plastic ones!

  3. ebroihier says:

    I love this!

  4. Kris says:

    Hilarious and so accurate!

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